The past three days have been very difficult days. Our dear son must be going through or heading towards a growth spurt because he is a cluster feeding machine! Unfortunately, this along with heat perpetuated eczema on his poor little face and body, gas, and mom trying to keep up her milk supply, make him one fussy guy!
Before pregnancy, I LOVED my sleep. It was not unusual for me to sleep 10-12 hours each night, and anything less would make me very cranky! By the end of pregnancy, mother nature prepared me for the inevitable and the amount of sleep I was able to get was significantly reduced. However, nothing prepared me for the past days/nights. You see, not getting sleep is one thing, but not getting sleep AND having a cranky baby feels like the whole world is plotting against you…just you. Needless to say (as I am sure this post demonstrates), this diva mom has had extremely little to no sleep in three days.
There were many times during the night I found myself saying to my 5 week old, “please, please, please just tell me what you need. Tell me how to help you”. Wouldn’t it have been wonderful for him to reply, “Well, Mom, if you could please let down more milk, pat my back on this specific spot, and it’s actually (insert irritant here) that’s bothering my skin”. Something tells me that even when he’s 18 he’s still not going to be that specific. I feel like dealing with infants is a guessing game. In fact, when I took my son to the paediatrician because his rash seemed be getting worse, the doctor said “It’s a bit a guessing game as to what this is”. What? You’re the doctor. I came to see you to give me, the new-worried-and-clueless-mother, some answers. But alas, my son cannot “use his words” and I just do what I can to make him as comfortable as possible and hope for the best. I will be the first one to tell you, when you are sleep deprived and drained, “hoping for the best” seems like an impossible task!
To make matters worse, everything becomes a vicious cycle: he’s uncomfortable, we don’t get sleep, we become stressed and sleep-deprived, the stress and fatigue affects your let down reflex (breast milk production), he becomes hungry and cranky, and the cycle begins again. All the while, I keep thinking that the first weeks are prime time for mother-child bonding. Ugh. Pressure much?!
I guess what I’ve realized is that my usual A-type, over-achieving personality needs to take a permanent backseat when it comes to parenting. Benchmarks are out the door, goals are just lofty ideas, and there are certainly no right answers. This is all especially true for the first three months (or so I’ve been told). The first three months are infamously known as the “fourth trimester”, and I now understand. It’s a 100% give relationship; there is no take. After cluster feeding for a few days, I physically feel how much I’m giving – and let me tell you – it’s draining. So what’s an over-achieving, recognition-seeking type mom supposed to do? This diva mom did what I needed to do. I asked for help (my hubby is now giving a bottle for one of the nightly feeds), I gave myself permission to “take a break” (I place our son in a safe place for 5-10 minutes when needed so I can step away and just breathe), and I focused on the tiny but ultimately most meaningful rewards that our son gives me. So, to end this post on a positive note, here are just some of the new rewards that help me through these difficult days:
-He maintains eye contact with you and will follow your voice
-He smiled at his dad the other night (and I’m almost positive it wasn’t a reflex)
-On a daily basis, I continue to see how much of my personality he has (stubborn and expressive!)
-One of my favourite moments during the day is when he falls asleep on me and we both take a short nap
-He’s grown 7.8 cms in 1 month (he’s so long!) and has developed the cutest baby rolls on his arms and legs (yay! The cluster feeding is getting put to good use!)
Like all other difficult days in life, I continue to remind myself of the mantra, “this too shall pass”. And I have no doubt that in a few months, I will look back and somehow miss these days. So, for now I will focus on the beautiful sleep that I will one day have and just enjoy the tiny little miracles that make all the difficult days worth it.
A question for all my fellow moms – what helped you during the “difficult days”?
I’m so glad you got daddy to take one nightly feeding. We established this on day one and I don’t know how I would survive without it. We also do one bottle of similac advanced a day (usually during that nightly feeding). It started as supplement because I wasn’t able to pump enough for the hubby, but it’s continued. Helps me too when the cluster feeding is non stop (although it’s not always required)
You’re doing awesome mama!
Thanks Alison! Yes, the introduction of the daddy-administered bottle has been incredible! 5 hours of sleeping bliss!!!!
Ah Stells – if I was there I would give you a big fat hug! I too was an A-type Mom with all kinds of plans and expectations and realized the same thing as you – let it go, sit back and go with the flow and just enjoy your baby ( Sarah was very fussy and colicky too – ha ha – seriously). We used to pour the gripe water down her throat! (and she turned out OK)
You sound like you have your mind in the right place – hug and kiss that little guy as much as you can and step back when you need to .
It’s such an old cliche but so true – enjoy them when they’re little as they grow up so fast – believe me that is so true! In a few months from now you will look back on this as such a learning experience for the 3 of you
You are a great Mom!
Love Sandy
Sands, I literally laughed out loud when I read “we used to pour the gripe water down her throat! (and she turned out OK). Yeah, I guess she’s not that bad
Last night and today has been significantly better so far, so there were plenty of kisses and hugs given!
Estelle, you’re doing so well! Your outlook continues to amazing me! Whatever works for you is my best advice for getting through the “difficult days”, although I’m not sure why you’ve quoted “difficult days” because they most certainly are difficult. Will there be more difficult days? Absolutely. They will not be like these days though. These days are such drastic changes for both of you. Please continue to reach out for help and please let me know if I can do anything, even if it’s letting you nap for a couple hours, while I take babe for a walk (I have a double stroller)! I did, however, tear up reading your last sentence, “I will look back and miss these days” because it is tough remembering those precious moments. I don’t think I’d want to go back to them, because of the crazy lack of sleep and frustration of not knowing what my baby needed, but I would want to go back to those snuggles and times when she was soooo wee! It does go fast (yet minute-by-minute, at the same time). Hugs!
Paula, you have been an incredible friend and we are SO indebted to you! I definitely look up to you since you’ve been an awesome mom to Claire! Thanks for the constant support
Wish I knew what to tell you, but alas, you will one day be my mentor in the baby world and be the one telling me that everything gets easier with practice. Sounds like I was quite a handful too and look how awesome I turned out!!!
haha. I love you Stells.
Dids
Everything you have explained here 99per cent of mothers go through. I remember praying and pleading to my son to just go to sleep in the first few months. And like you I too introduced a bottle to both my husband and baby for a nightly feed so I could catch a few extra ZZzzz. You are giving 100 percent of yourself to this new life you have in front of you but where the take comes in is like you said take the break when your husband feeds the baby, take that nap during the day when your baby is asleep and take the help when it is being offered to you. With my first I did the same as you but now with my second I leave the house a little more cluttered than usual. I take that one hour or 45 minute nap during the day and I def take the help where it is being offered. I hope this helps to any mom out there.
You are doing a great job Estelle and I promise you it will get better. Big hug xo
Thank you, Ania! And our middle-of-the-night email exchanges have certainly helped me keep my sanity as well!!!